{"id":3051,"date":"2019-02-13T11:00:34","date_gmt":"2019-02-13T15:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/?p=3051"},"modified":"2019-02-13T11:00:34","modified_gmt":"2019-02-13T15:00:34","slug":"your-relationship-may-be-better-than-you-think-find-the-knot","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/2019\/02\/13\/your-relationship-may-be-better-than-you-think-find-the-knot\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Relationship May Be Better Than You Think \u2013 Find The Knot"},"content":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.<\/strong>
\nGuest Writer<\/p>\n

\"Relationships<\/a>There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cWhen you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.\u201d In other words, before you give up, take matters into your own hands and try a little harder.<\/p>\n

As a psychology researcher<\/a>, I believe this adage applies to relationships, too. Before you let go, look for the \u201cknots\u201d that might save you from accidentally letting a great relationship slip from your grasp. Relationship science suggests that the problem is that people tend to overemphasize the negative and underappreciate the positive when looking at their romantic partners.<\/p>\n

If you could build the perfect relationship, what would it look like? Perhaps more importantly, how does your current relationship stack up? Expectations for today\u2019s relationships are\u00a0higher than ever<\/a>. Now that relationships are a choice, mediocrity isn\u2019t acceptable. It\u2019s all or nothing, and no one\u00a0wants to settle<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The secret to avoiding settling seems simple: have high standards and demand only the very best. Researchers refer to people who are pickier than others and always want the absolute best possible option as\u00a0maximizers<\/a>. Their counterparts are satisficers \u2013 those satisfied once quality surpasses a minimum threshold of acceptability. For them, \u201cgood enough\u201d is perfectly fine. As long as their relationship exceeds their predetermined benchmarks for \u201chigh quality,\u201d satisficers are content.<\/p>\n

\"Don\u2019t<\/a><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t forget all the good stuff that\u2019s just running smoothly. Phoho credit: Anthony Tran\/Unsplash.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Maximizer personalities will tend to exhaust all options and explore many possibilities to secure the flawless partner. You might think that sounds ideal, even noble, almost like common sense. But there are hidden downsides. Call it the myth of maximization, because the research reveals that maximizers\u00a0report more regret and depression and feel threatened<\/a>\u00a0by others whom they perceive as doing better. Maximizers also experience lower self-esteem and less optimism, happiness and life satisfaction. And they\u00a0prefer reversible decisions or outcomes<\/a>\u00a0that are not absolute or final.<\/p>\n

See the problem? In long-term relationships, people tend to prefer more of a \u201c\u2018til death do us part\u201d approach rather than a \u201c\u2019til I find something better\u201d tactic. Overall, the implication for your relationship is clear: The continuous pursuit of perfection could be fine for a car, but in your relationship it may result in failing to recognize the truly great relationship that\u2019s right in front of you for what it is. Impossibly high standards can make an excellent relationship seem average.<\/p>\n

You may also undervalue your relationship by being too quick to identify imperfections, notice the negatives and find problems. Blame what psychologists call the negativity bias, which is a\u00a0tendency to pay attention to the bad or negative<\/a>\u00a0aspects of an experience.<\/p>\n

This tendency is so pronounced that when a relationship doesn\u2019t have any major issues, research suggests that\u00a0people inflate small problems into bigger ones<\/a>. Rather than be thankful for the relative calm, people manufacture problems where none previously existed. You could be your own worst enemy without even realizing it.<\/p>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

A positive attitude toward your partner can be a partly self-fulfilling prophecy. Photo credit:<\/em>
\nJD Mason\/Unsplash.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

In other words, when your relationship is going well, it doesn\u2019t register. You take it for granted. But problems? They capture your attention. The bickering, insensitive comments, forgotten chores, the messes and the inconveniences \u2013 all stand out because they deviate from the easily overlooked happy status quo.<\/p>\n

Time to recalibrate. The key is separating the critical from the inconsequential in order to distinguish minor issues from real problems. Identifying the true dealbreakers will allow you to save your energy for real problems, and allow the minor stuff to simply fade away.<\/p>\n

Data from a representative sample of over 5,000 Americans, ranging in age from 21 to over 76, identified the\u00a0top 10 relationship dealbreakers<\/a>:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Disheveled or unclean appearance<\/li>\n
  2. Lazy<\/li>\n
  3. Too needy<\/li>\n
  4. Lacks a sense of humor<\/li>\n
  5. Lives more than three hours away<\/li>\n
  6. Bad sex<\/li>\n
  7. Lacks self-confidence<\/li>\n
  8. Too much TV\/video games<\/li>\n
  9. Low sex drive<\/li>\n
  10. Stubborn<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Beyond that list, there are certainly annoyances that can become dealbreakers in otherwise generally healthy relationships. And if your partner disrespects, hurts or abuses you, those are behaviors that shouldn\u2019t be ignored and should rightly end your relationship.<\/p>\n

    In a follow-up study, researchers asked participants to consider both dealbreakers and dealmakers \u2013 that is, qualities that are especially appealing. When determining whether a relationship was viable, it turned out the dealbreakers carried more weight. The negativity bias strikes again. The fact that people tend to focus more on the breakers than the makers is further evidence that we\u2019re not giving some aspects of our relationship enough credit.<\/p>\n

    What have you been missing in your relationship? Surely there are boxes that your partner checks that you\u2019ve neglected to notice. Start giving credit where credit is due.<\/p>\n

    In fact, some studies suggest you should give your partner even more credit than she or he might deserve. Instead of being realistic, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, with an overly generous appraisal. Would you be lying to yourself? Sure, a little bit. But research shows that these types of\u00a0positive illusions help the relationship<\/a>\u00a0by decreasing conflict while increasing satisfaction, love and trust.<\/p>\n

    Holding overly optimistic views of your partner convinces you of their value, which reflects well on you \u2013 you\u2019re the one who has such a great partner, after all. Your rose-colored opinions also make your partner feel good and give them a good reputation to live up to. They won\u2019t want to let you down so they\u2019ll try to fulfill your positive prophecy. All of which benefits your relationship.<\/p>\n

    It\u2019s time to stop being overly critical of your relationship. Instead find the knots, the parts of your relationship you\u2019ve been taking for granted that will help you hold on. If you know where to look and what to appreciate, you may just realize there are a lot more reasons to happily hold onto your relationship than you thought.\"The<\/p>\n

    Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.\u00a0<\/a>is a\u00a0Professor of Psychology\u00a0at\u00a0Monmouth University<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

    This article is republished from\u00a0The Conversation<\/a>\u00a0under a Creative Commons license. Read the\u00a0original article<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By\u00a0Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. Guest Writer There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cWhen you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.\u201d In other words, before you give up, take matters […]<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3054,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[119,121],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-3051","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-lifestyle","8":"category-relationship"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=600%2C339&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"rttpg_featured_image_url":{"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,false],"landscape":["https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg",600,339,false],"portraits":["https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg",600,339,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=150%2C150&ssl=1",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=300%2C170&ssl=1",300,170,true],"large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?fit=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"mh-magazine-slider":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"mh-magazine-content":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"mh-magazine-large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=600%2C339&ssl=1",600,339,true],"mh-magazine-medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=326%2C245&ssl=1",326,245,true],"mh-magazine-small":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/drealfmgrenada.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Relationships-Second-Image.jpg?resize=80%2C60&ssl=1",80,60,true]},"rttpg_author":{"display_name":"adminrfm","author_link":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/author\/adminrfm\/"},"rttpg_comment":0,"rttpg_category":"Lifestyle<\/a> Relationship<\/a>","rttpg_excerpt":"By\u00a0Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. Guest Writer There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cWhen you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.\u201d In other words, before you give up, take matters [...]","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3051","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3051"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3051\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3055,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3051\/revisions\/3055"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3054"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3051"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3051"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drealfmgrenada.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3051"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}